The Behaviour Code

How can we love our kids with such a deep, unending love, and yet at the same time be so frustrated with them that we could cry? I have been there so many times with many of my kids, but most consistently with Nolan. It comes from a place of love. I love him so deeply and want so much for him. When he engages in behaviours that limit him, it can be difficult to watch. 

"You are capable of so much more than this!" I want to scream at him. I don't scream that, but sometimes I do lose my cool. I storm out, send him to timeout, let him see my frustration, or speak to him with anger in my voice. On a bad morning, I can let it ruin the rest of my day, affect my interactions with my other kids, and raise my stress levels significantly. 

I have written a lot about Nolan's education and different activities we are working on with him and ways we are changing school to better engage and motivate him. Today I want to write about the way that Nolan's education affects ME and how changing my interactions with him helps Nolan to make better choices. 

When you have a child who is oppositional, stubborn, or easily distracted, it can be incredibly frustrating. Homeschooling Nolan is the most creative and fun part of my day sometimes, but on other days I dread going into that room with him as I can anticipate what is coming.  

I do school with Nolan every morning. On a bad day or even an average day, these are behaviours that I see:

• Signing "no" when I ask him to do something
• Asking if he can go on time out 
• Getting distracted and finding the tiniest things to obsess over and stare at, such as a speck of dirt on his leg. 
• Crying (especially if there are other people around that he thinks he can get sympathy from!) 
• If four letters are in front of him and he is asked to hand us "A", he will hand us "B", "C", or "D" purposely making sure he does not give us the correct letter.
• Smacking the iPad or the letters in front of him rather than pointing and making a choice.
• Asking for excessive clarification; 10 minutes of repeating over and over again "you want me to pick up the letter and put it in your hand? you want me to pick up the letter and put it in your hand?"
• Trying to hit me when I give him no choice but to participate by doing a hand over hand activity. 
• Complete refusal to participate. 

We have tried so many different activities, ways of teaching him, ways of dealing with his behaviours, etc. Many people suggested that he is bored, and we have gone above and beyond to keep things interesting. We have tried it all! The behaviors persist.

The Behavior Code: A Practical Guide to Understanding and Teaching the Most Challenging Students by Jessica Minahan and Nancy Rappaport is helping me to look inwardly at the above behaviours, rather than getting frustrated at Nolan and blaming him. What can I do to help him be more successful? What can I do leading up to school to prevent these behaviours from ever starting? The authors write that misbehaviour is communication and is the result of an underlying cause. Why does Nolan tell me "no" when I ask him to perform a simple task? Why does he give me all the options but the correct one? 

We are looking at the antecedents to Nolan's behaviour. Certainly there are some environmental factors that play a role (his deafness, growing up in an orphanage, being raised in Indian society where usually behaviours like this lead to a child getting what they want) but there are also other, simpler factor that can be controlled. I used to stop communicating with Nolan and would stare down at the activity, with the hopes that he would stop playing games and would look at the activity as well, as my eye gaze was directed there. I realized that this turned out to be something that was setting him up for bad behaviour. Instead of focusing his attention on the activity, it would cause him to disengage and get distracted, and once that happened it was very difficult to bring him back. I realized that he felt satisfaction seeing me get angry and when he saw it, it would set him off and the negative behaviours would escalate. I began deep breathing and doing self-talk to ensure that he didn't see even a hint of the frustration I was feeling. I would plaster a smile on my face and every so often would reach out and rub his back, give him a little kiss, and remind him of the reward waiting for him at the end of the activity. Rather than him vs. me, I wanted us both to think of it as us working together.

Right now I am doing a lot of thinking and trying to develop a behaviour intervention plan. It is hard!! I need to figure out why he behaves the way he does and what factors trigger it. I need to try to think of replacement behaviours that I want to teach him and to help him develop skills that will allow him to make better choices. I am only halfway through this book and already know I am going to be re-reading and re-reading it. I have always said that I needed PT, OT, SLP, and special education teachers to come help us here in India.... add behaviour interventionist to that list!!

I am also really focusing on Nolan's amazing qualities, and all the reasons why he has taken up so much of my heart. He is affectionate and gives and receives love so well. He takes care of the children who are younger or who have more severe disabilities. He is fun and active. He loves to be a helper.  He is funny and charming. He is joyful. 

I want to be the best Mom to Nolan that I can be. I want to set his life up so that he can be successful. I also want to be kinder, more patient, and more loving in my interactions with my kids and with everyone that I meet. Nolan is teaching me that. 

Everyone has moments where they are overwhelmed or frustrated or sad or angry and as a result, they don't make the best choices. Nolan has moments like that. I have moments like that. I am praying for wisdom, patience, and self-control so that I can be a better Mom, and as a result, Nolan can be more successful in the classroom. It can be so hard and frustrating, but the victories are so sweet; when Nolan learns a new letter, when he excitedly asks to go to school first thing in the morning, or when he cheers for himself and raises a triumphant fist in the air when he is doing well. I love this boy. 

Resources:

The Behavior Code on Huffington Post

They Would Behave Better If They Could (the blog post that introduced me to this book)

Behavior Plans

He Hears!

Over the past few months, the idea of Nolan hearing brought me to tears. Today, at several points throughout my day, I began getting choked up and had to force my thoughts elsewhere so I wouldn't begin bawling. But this evening, as I watched my little boy hear for the first time, I could do nothing but laugh with a giant smile plastered onto my face. The joy that I felt in that moment is something I wish I could bottle up and remember forever!

The audiologist put Nolan's implant on his ear and hooked it up to the computer, beginning the mapping process. Nolan showed no reaction and we began to talk amongst ourselves, watching the screen and waiting. The beeps stopped and we assumed he was taking a break. The audiologist went in and out of the room a few times and sat tinkering with the computer. Out of nowhere, Nolan began bawling. We all jumped, completely startled.

"He is hearing," the audiologist announced.

Nolan looked up at me with wide eyes and tears rolling down his cheeks, then he buried his head in his hands and refused to look up. Tori, Audra, and I all exchanged looks.

"You turned it on?! He can hear us?!"

Between the giddy feelings of happiness that Nolan could hear combined with the disbelief that he had turned the implant on without warning us, we laughed. We laughed, and laughed, and laughed. I kissed Nolan and rubbed his back and tilted his head up to look at me. As the audiologist turned the volume down so it wouldn't frighten him so much, Nolan began pointing at his ear and then he began to laugh too.

After he had a chance to calm down, I held his face in my hands and said over and over again, "I love you, I love you, I love you". My baby heard me. He may not know what those words mean yet, and he may not even realize yet that what he is hearing are words, but I signed it as I said it and I kissed his cheek and he knew what I was telling him.

The implant is at a very low setting right now so he can get used to it without it upsetting or scaring him. In 4 days we turn it up, in 8 days we turn it up even more, and in 12 days we return and they do another session of mapping.

Nolan is lying beside me fast asleep. I am sitting here typing on my computer, giddy with excitement. How could anyone not believe in God when He has worked miracle after miracle in this boy's life. I know without a doubt that He has big plans for Nolan. I am overwhelmed with awe right now. One moment he had never heard anything before and just like that, he hears. That is nothing short of a miracle.

Thank you to each and every person who believed in him. Thank you to those who donated, who advocated, and who prayed for him. Hundreds of people came together to make this possible. You have no idea how much that means to me and how much your love and support is going to affect Nolan's future. My eyes are welling up with tears just writing this. Grateful does not even begin to express how I feel. Thank you.