Na koduku,
I woke up at 5:30am on February 18th with butterflies in my stomach. The day had finally arrived. After so many months of researching, tests, advocating, and fundraising, you were going to be getting your cochlear implant.
I woke you up after I got ready and you smiled and lifted your hands up to be held. You had no idea what was happening, but you were excited. It had been your birthday the day before. You are 7 now. Such a big boy!
We didn't wait long at the hospital, and as we waited for a few hours, you spent time charming the nurses (as usual!). By 9am I carried you into the waiting room outside the operating theater. I dressed you in a cap and gown and that is when your eyes began to fill with tears. I started praying for you. You pointed to me, pointed to yourself, and did the sign for prayer. I nodded. Then you asked if you were going in the doors, and if I was going too. When I told you that I would be waiting there, your face crumpled into tears. You wrapped your arms around my neck and whimpered. Neither of us were prepared when they took you out of my arms and carried you in. I could hear your cries as they walked you down the hall and as soon as you were gone, I cried too. I knew that this is the right thing for you, but in that moment I hated it.
"Is he your son?" an older woman asked.
"Yes," I answered.
You are.
She put her hand on my shoulder.
"He's going to be okay," she reassured me.
In that moment, as I stood by myself, completely overwhelmed and worried about you, her kindness meant a lot to me.
Four hours later I put a cap and gown on myself and went to see you in the PACU. You were still sleeping, big bandages wrapped around your ear. You looked so little in bed. You whimpered in your sleep. When you woke up, I placed my head on the bed beside you and wrapped my arm around your shoulder, so you felt like I was holding you even though they wouldn't let me pick you up. We had to wait there for three hours. An hour and a half in, you began crying hard. I asked several nurses for more pain medicine, and it still didn't come. I stood up to find someone to help, and in that moment, you thought I was leaving you. Baby, the scream that came out of you is something I never want to hear again. You thrashed wildly, clawing in my direction trying to grab at me so I wouldn't leave. I never want you to even consider the thought that I would ever leave you.
We spent the night cuddling. You didn't sleep. You whimpered a lot, and cried whenever anyone came into our room. If I shifted away from you in my sleep, you cried until I groggily woke up and wrapped my arms around you again. You were still so scared I was going to leave you alone. I used the call button a few too many times; when some blood trickled from your nose, when you began crying and I knew the pain meds were wearing off, and when I needed a bucket of water to sponge you down and wipe off the remnants of the tape and cotton stuck to your body.
By the time morning finally came, your pain was under control and you just badly wanted to leave. You smiled for the first time since your surgery when I brought you to the mirror and you saw the big white bandage wrapped around your head.
We are home now. You were welcomed home by all the ayahs crowding around you and a big hug from your sister. You smiled, crawled to the toy box, found your new backpack that you got for your birthday, and began to play.
Several times during the past few days I looked at you and felt overwhelmed with love. It still blows me away how many people came together to make this surgery possible. So many people believe in you, baby. So many people love you. You don't know it now, at 7 years and 2 days old, but God is using you to change so many lives. Most especially mine!
Love you Nolan.
I woke up at 5:30am on February 18th with butterflies in my stomach. The day had finally arrived. After so many months of researching, tests, advocating, and fundraising, you were going to be getting your cochlear implant.
I woke you up after I got ready and you smiled and lifted your hands up to be held. You had no idea what was happening, but you were excited. It had been your birthday the day before. You are 7 now. Such a big boy!
We didn't wait long at the hospital, and as we waited for a few hours, you spent time charming the nurses (as usual!). By 9am I carried you into the waiting room outside the operating theater. I dressed you in a cap and gown and that is when your eyes began to fill with tears. I started praying for you. You pointed to me, pointed to yourself, and did the sign for prayer. I nodded. Then you asked if you were going in the doors, and if I was going too. When I told you that I would be waiting there, your face crumpled into tears. You wrapped your arms around my neck and whimpered. Neither of us were prepared when they took you out of my arms and carried you in. I could hear your cries as they walked you down the hall and as soon as you were gone, I cried too. I knew that this is the right thing for you, but in that moment I hated it.
"Is he your son?" an older woman asked.
"Yes," I answered.
You are.
She put her hand on my shoulder.
"He's going to be okay," she reassured me.
In that moment, as I stood by myself, completely overwhelmed and worried about you, her kindness meant a lot to me.
Four hours later I put a cap and gown on myself and went to see you in the PACU. You were still sleeping, big bandages wrapped around your ear. You looked so little in bed. You whimpered in your sleep. When you woke up, I placed my head on the bed beside you and wrapped my arm around your shoulder, so you felt like I was holding you even though they wouldn't let me pick you up. We had to wait there for three hours. An hour and a half in, you began crying hard. I asked several nurses for more pain medicine, and it still didn't come. I stood up to find someone to help, and in that moment, you thought I was leaving you. Baby, the scream that came out of you is something I never want to hear again. You thrashed wildly, clawing in my direction trying to grab at me so I wouldn't leave. I never want you to even consider the thought that I would ever leave you.
We spent the night cuddling. You didn't sleep. You whimpered a lot, and cried whenever anyone came into our room. If I shifted away from you in my sleep, you cried until I groggily woke up and wrapped my arms around you again. You were still so scared I was going to leave you alone. I used the call button a few too many times; when some blood trickled from your nose, when you began crying and I knew the pain meds were wearing off, and when I needed a bucket of water to sponge you down and wipe off the remnants of the tape and cotton stuck to your body.
By the time morning finally came, your pain was under control and you just badly wanted to leave. You smiled for the first time since your surgery when I brought you to the mirror and you saw the big white bandage wrapped around your head.
We are home now. You were welcomed home by all the ayahs crowding around you and a big hug from your sister. You smiled, crawled to the toy box, found your new backpack that you got for your birthday, and began to play.
Several times during the past few days I looked at you and felt overwhelmed with love. It still blows me away how many people came together to make this surgery possible. So many people believe in you, baby. So many people love you. You don't know it now, at 7 years and 2 days old, but God is using you to change so many lives. Most especially mine!
Love you Nolan.
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